


The Spell

by xRabbitx



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Humor, M/M, Trolling
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-04-11
Updated: 2012-04-11
Packaged: 2017-11-03 10:33:00
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,566
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/380424
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/xRabbitx/pseuds/xRabbitx
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Harry and Ron accidentally discover the truth about an ancient spell that rests over Hogwarts.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Spell

**Author's Note:**

> This was written with my good friend Nishi on a sleep deprived night in May 2009.

~

Harry had always secretly thought Ron was really pretty, and especially when he was playing Quidditch. Harry could spend hours marvelling over how Ron's shiny crimson hair would wave in the wind and fall over his flushed and handsome freckled face. He could get lost in those safire orbs that were Ron's eyes, and the string of brilliant white pearls that were his teeth when he was smiling. His gleeful laughter when he saved a goal sounded like a thousand silver bells ringing on a Sunday morning. Yeah, Ron was beautiful, and Harry found himself falling more and more in love with him.

The problem was that Harry had harbored his secret for so long that it was impossible to say anything about it now that he and Ron were such good friends. He'd had so many fantasies about taking Ron out into the Hogwarts cemetery at night, spreading a blanket out beneath the stars, and confessing his love to Ron to the sweet, dulcet tones of Bauhaus (Harry had discovered Bauhaus in his fourth year and they had seemed to speak to his tremendous inner pain in ways that Good Charlotte had never been able to), but he'd never had the courage to do it. So he was left alone with the unspeakable torment of unrequited love, which had overwhelmed him so completely that the only way he'd found to relieve it was to cut it out of his skin, leaving his wrists and thighs crisscrossed with the red scabs of love.

But one day, after Quidditch practice, Harry was standing in the showers to wash off, and Ron came in as well, sweaty and tousled and so hot that Harry had to turn his back to Ron so he wouldn't see that Harry was getting a boner.

"Wow, practice was super awesome!" Ron said as he rubbed the shampoo into his hair. It was shampoo with unicorn tears in it so it made his hair super shiny and glittery. "And you're like the best Seeker ever."

"You're totally cool too!" Harry mumbled because he was embarrassed over his boner. But even if Ron had noticed it, he didn't say anything about it and just rinsed his hair which was now shiny like a unicorn's mane made of diamond thread.

"Thank you!" Ron said with a wide smile. "But not as good as you, Potts."

Harry could feel himself blushing, and he turned away, but that was mostly because of his woody and because he didn't want Ron to see the red cuts on his wrists. So he turned away and mumbled, "Thanks Ron."

"Hey what's wrong with your wrists?" Ron sounded really worried.

Uh-oh, thought Harry. He turned away and muttered, "Oh, I'm okay, Crookshanks just scratched me a lot."

"You're lying!" Ron yelled, and came over to grab Harry's hand and look at his wrist. The marks were even brighter because of the hot water, and Harry tried to turn his face away so Ron wouldn't see, but Ron grabbed his chin and said, "Look at me! Tell me what's going on here!"

"Nothing is going on!" Harry whispered, but even he could hear that he was lying. He jerked his hands away from Ron and turned away. He felt totally guilty for lying to his best friend, but he just couldn't tell the truth because Ron would definitely think he was disgusting or something.

"I'm gonna go dry off," Harry muttered and left the showers. His boner was still there and Harry wondered if he should go jerk off in the bathroom before getting dressed. But before he could go anywhere, Ron was sneaking up behind him and grabbing his waist.

"You're totally cute when you're embarrassed," Ron whispered, and he was standing so close that Harry could feel his boner against his ass. It felt kinda weird, but also really good, and Harry moaned excitedly. This was just like one of the novels he had been secretly reading under his blanket when everyone else was asleep.

Ron's hands were still wet from the shower, and he moved them over Harry's tits and muttered under his breath, "You have such sexy nipples, like two little rosepetals, but not typical rosepetals-- special rosepetals with little bumps in the very middle, like different rosepetals that are different just like you."

"Oh, Ron!" Harry could feel crystaline tears welling up in his eyes and he turned in Ron's strong arms to gaze up into Ron's cornflower blue eyes.

"I want to make love to you Harry," Ron crooned as he backed Harry up against the wall. "I want to kiss every inch of your flawless body, and see the unrestrained passion in your jade green eyes, and I want to hear your sweet, soft voice cry out my name when I have my wing-wong inside your love-hole!"

"Oh yes!!" Harry cried and pressed his lips against Ron's. Ron tasted like honey and butterflies over a sunlit field, and Harry's manhood grew even harder and crystal clear drops of steamy arousal leaked from the tip. "I want that too, Ron!"

Ron purred like a cat when you stroke it behind its ears and slipped a hand down to fondle Harry's package with his wet fingers, stroking them over the silky-soft skin so that Harry was trembling with lusty desire and dark-crimson passion.

"Make love to me!" he whispered and spread his legs to invite Ron into his secret kingdom of soft flesh. "But I'm a virgin so please be gentle with me, Ron."

"I promise," Ron said and turned Harry around so that Harry was facing the wall. Quivering with excitement and passion, Harry pushed his ass out so that Ron could see his fuck-hole between the rounded cheeks, and he could hear how Ron began panting as if he had just run really far. The sound made Harry's hard member jerk again and he couldn't wait to feel Ron inside him.

"I want to taste you first," Ron cooed, and then Harry twitched when he felt Ron's tongue gliding down his spine. Then the organ travelled lower, between Harry's fleshy globes and across his puckered rosebud, which Ron nudged a few times before pushing his tongue inside. Ron moaned and whispered, "You taste better than any cake or ice cream I have ever devoured, Potts, and I will devour you!"

"Oh, Ron!" Harry cried out, and keened softly as Ron's tongue slipped past his tight muscle and into the hot, juicy center of his soul. It wasn't like anything Harry had ever felt before. Pure bliss streamed over him in waves of beautiful pleasure, and he gasped softly as Ron began moving, rubbing his prostrate with his tongue over and over again.

"Do you like that, you nasty little boner-boy?" Ron asked with his tongue still inside Harry's passion-pucker.

"Oh, yes, yes, yes, Daddy!" Harry wailed. "Give it to me, Daddy! Give it to me hard!"

Harry's manrod was still hard between his legs, like steel sheathed in silk, and he wanted to touch it but he thought he should wait until he could have Ron's love-wand inside him.

Once Harry was almost beginning to come, Ron pulled his tongue out of Harry's wet and tasty mangina with a slurping noise. Then Ron grabbed his hard pleasure-stick and pushed it into Harry with a wail of pleasure.

It really hurt a lot, but it also felt really, really good, and Harry screamed in pleasure when Ron started to move his mighty flesh-sword in and out of his valley of hot, hot passion. It felt so good that Harry began to cry in bliss, but Ron kissed the salty droplets away with his silken lips. Harry moaned softly and tried to kiss Ron, but Ron just pulled away to bite and suck Harry's nipples. They were both getting closer and closer, and Harry was beginning to get an orgasm, but a loud slamming sound startled him and they both looked over at the doorway just in time to hear a loud voice screaming loudly at them.

"What are you doing, you motherfuckers?!?!?!"

It was Dumbledore!

"Oh god!" Harry screamed, but this time it was because he was embarrassed.

"This isn't what it looks like!" Ron screamed.

"Really? Because it looks like you motherfucking assheads are banging each other in the locker room showers!" Dumbledore didn't sound convinced, and he whipped out his wand and said, "Erectus dispellus!"

Harry's boner deflated like a sad, popped balloon at an abandoned funfair, and he could feel Ron's manhood soften too.

"You little dickwads are into sooooo much trouble!" Dumbledore screamed, waving his arms around to show how angry he was. "You gotta come in my office now, bitches!!"

Then Dumbledore turned away and slammed the door so hard behind him that Harry and Ron squealed like little girls.

"OMG WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO?!!?" Harry screamed to Ron, totally scared of pissing off Dumbledore. "I bet he's going to write to our parents!" (Harry was so upset that he had totally forgotten that his parents were dead).

"Relax, dude!" Ron said and shrugged because he he was already the black sheep of the family. "Let's just get dressed and go."

Harry nodded glumly and pulled his trousers on slowly, and when he turned around, Ron was looking at him grimly. They both sighed and walked out of the locker room together. On the way, they found Malfoy standing by the entrance of the school with Crabbe and Goyle, and they were all standing by the entrance of the school with their arms crossed over their chests.

"Oi, sunshine," Draco sneered nastily, "either chu gots some tens?"

"What?" Harry said, shaking his head. He wasn't sure what Malfoy meant, but he thought it was probably a pureblood thing he didn't understand, so he looked at Ron.

Ron shrugged.

Malfoy took a step closer and spat, "Me and me blads is scouting some tens, so cough up before we shank ya mate, wanker."

"Yes?" Harry replied.

Apparently, that wasn't the answer Malfoy wanted because Malfoy just tossed his hair and looked over his shoulder at Crabbe and Goyle. "C'mon bruvs, let's bounce."

"I hate that little fucktard!" Ron hissed when Malfoy had left them alone, and he looked at Harry who nodded because he agreed. Malfoy was like the biggest assbag in Hogwarst, and Harry had hated him from the first time they had spoken together.

But Harry didn't have time to worry about Malfoy because now they were standing outside Dumbledore's office, and he was so scared that he had to hold his boyfriend's hand (because they had talked about it and decided that they were boyfriends now on their way to the headmaster's office).

Ron knocked on the door and Dumbledore said, "Come in!"

Harry felt so scared but he was still holding Ron's hand, so they went inside and Dumbledore was glaring at them over his glasses and said, "Sit down, you cockmunchers."

They sat down and Dumbledore pushed the tray of candy over to them but Harry felt sick so he didn't take any. Dumbledore was scary when he was mad, and it was even more scary because the bookshelf behind him moved and then Snape walked into the room and stood behind Dumbledore. Neither of them said anything, and Harry was shaking so he dug his fingernails into Ron's hand and tried to pretend he was in his room with Ron under the blankets and kissing. But that didn't help because his boner came back, and he crossed his legs to hide it.

"The Headbaster tells me that you two were engaging in anal intercourse in the shower room," Snape said and glowered. "Anal homosexual intercourse is expressly forbidden at Hogwarts."

"We're so sorry!" Harry cried with an expression of horror in his eyes.

Snape slammed his fists down on the desk and screamed, "I DON'T CARE IF YOU'RE SORRY YOU BROKE THE RULES AND I WILL FUCKING KILL YOU!!!" Then he picked up the plate of candy and hurled it at Ron, who dodged it, and when that didn't work he picked up a lamp and threw it on the ground. It shattered and he screamed, "YOU STUPID ASSGOBLINS!!! YOU'VE RUINED EVERYTHING!"

"No, we didn't ruin anything!" Ron screamed, his ears growing red because he was so angry. "We didn't even get to shoot!"

"THAT'S NOT WHAT I MEAN, YOU REDHEAD MOTHERFUCKER!" Snape hissed, looking like a dog with rabies. "YOU BROKE THE SPELL AND NOW YOU TWO BUTTPIRATES ARE BONDED TO ME AND DUMBLEDORE!"

"What spell??" Harry cried, getting to his feet. "I never knew about any spell?"

"THAT'S BECAUSE YOU'RE SO FUCKING STUPID," Snape said. "IT'S AN ANCIENT MAGICK THAT NO ONE CAN UNDO. AND YOU'RE GOING TO DIE IF YOU DON'T CONSUMATE THE BOND."

"What does consumate mean?" Ron asked stupidly, but Harry loved him anyway.

"IT MEANS WE FUCKING HAVE TO BOINK, YOU STUPID ASS GINGER PILLOWBITER," Snape muttered under his breath. "DO YOU KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS?"

Ron huffed. "I would have if we hadn't been interrupted."

"I think we should all get some rest," Dumbledore said in a kind tone, and reached up to pat Snape's hand. "Severus, calm down and go to your chambers. You two sissy queerbaits go to your room and think about what you've done."

"ALRIGHT," Snape murmured, and flapped out of the room.

Ron and Harry left the office and went back to the tower together. When they went inside holding hands, everyone stared, but Ron just glared at them and then he and Harry went upstairs and got into bed together. Harry was sad because he still had a stiffy, but he didn't think Snape would be happy if him and Ron had sex again, so he apologized to his dick and then snuggled with Ron.

The next morning in the great hall, Snape was still looking scary and angry, and Harry kept close to Ron during the entire breakfast. Luckily, they didn't have any classes with Snape, but when it was lunchtime, Harry and Ron got a note that said,

MEET ME AND DUMBLEDORE IN THE HEADMASTER'S OFFICE TONIGHT AT SEVEN O'CLOCK!

SIGNED, SS

Harry was scared, but a little excited too because he had always thought Snape was really hot and mysterious like a vampire, but he didn't want to tell because Ron might get all jealous and shit, and Harry totally didn't need that right now.

Most of the students thought it was realy weird that two guys were holding hands, but Hermione was being really cool about it even though Harry had always thought she was kind of a bitch sometimes.

In the evening, Harry and Ron went up to Dumbledore's office and knocked on the door. The door opened and they went inside. Dumbledore and Snape were already there, and they were talking quietly but they both stopped when Harry and Ron came inside, and they both looked up.

"I'm glad that you pair of cocksmacks made it in time," Dumbledore said with a smile.

Harry and Ron both nodded.

"Please, sit down," Dumbledore said, and gestured to the chairs in front of his desk. Once Harry and Ron had sat, Dumbledore folded his hands on the desk and said, "Now, thanks to you two skanks, we're going to have to have homosexual anal sex with each other tonight, all of us."

Ron turned a little green and said, "I don't know if I can handle that, dude."

"NO ONE ASKED YOU! SHUT YOUR FUCKING FACE, DICKDRIBBLE!" Snape screamed and kicked over a sidetable.

"But my mum told me that there was no such thing as forced bonding!" Ron cried, oblivious to the fact that Snape was stalking towards him. "This is madness!"

"MADNESS?!?!" Snape screamed. "THIS. IS. _HOGWARTS_!!!"

Harry watched in horror as Snape lifted a foot and kicked Ron squarely in the chest, causing Ron and the chair he was sitting in to go tumbling backwards.

"Motherfucker!" Harry yelled and jumped to his feet, but Snape already had his wand out (the wooden one) and threw a super powerful binding spell so Harry couldn't move.

"DON'T CALL ME MOTHERFUCKER, MOTHERFUCKER!" Snape whispered dangerously as he leaned down to smirk at Harry. "NOT WHEN I'M GOING TO HAVE YOU IMPALED ON MY PLEASURE-SPEAR LATER TONIGHT!"

Snape's silky voice made Harry get a boner again, and because he was tied up, he couldn't hide it at all and it was staring up at Snape like a dog begging at the table. It was so embarrassing that Harry closed his eyes and tried to wish it all away. But it didn't work, and when he opened his eyes again, Snape was staring right at his woody like it was a lollipop and Snape was a diabetic.

"ARE YOU READY, POTTER?" Snape whispered as he leaned closer, and his blood red lips were hovering right above Harry's, his rose-sweet breath wafting over Harry's face.

Harry nodded eagerly. He was vaguely aware that next to them, Dumbledore was already kissing Ron, but Harry couldn't pay any attention to them because the national colors of Harry Potter were flying at high mast and saluting Snape from under his trousers. Some of Snape's silky, flowing, raven tresses were touching Harry's face, and he wished he could move to reach up and run his fingers through that thick, dark mane. But his hands were immobile, and he could just gaze up at the face above him, thinking of how much Snape resembled a dark, fallen angel, risen from the ashes of hell and reborn as a blazing, beautiful creature. Harry would fall before Snape's altar and weep, would offer up all that he'd ever been and all that he would ever be...

"I'M GOING TO MAKE YOU MY DICK PUPPET, POTTER!!!" Snape whispered.

"Yes, Snape!" Harry cried in a whisper, squirming on the floor because he was so eager to be touched by those long, marble-white fingers, and he moaned surprised when he suddenly felt Snape's fingers on his jeans, ripping the fabric so his swollen manrod popped out of its demin prison. "Ohhhh!"

"YOU'RE SUCH A LITTLE COCK-SLUT, POTTER!" Snape purred and touched the hardened shaft with his fingers so Harry moaned again. He could also hear Ron moan, but he didn't look because he honestly thought it was kinda gross.

Snape pushed a hand between Harry's eager thighs, and he smirked in an evil way because he could feel that Harry was already wet from horniness. He massaged Harry's lust-root with the heel of his palm, which made Harry moan again, and then took out his hand to lick the clear manjuice off of his fingers with loud smacking sounds from his tongue. In a soft, sultry whisper, he said, "I HOPE YOU'RE HUNGRY, POTTER, BECAUSE TONIGHT WE DINE ON COCK!"

"Oh Snape, take me now!" Harry cried.

Snape made a growling sound and inserted himself between Harry's thighs so that his thick, swollen member was pressed against Harry's scrotum, which was swollen like an overripe peach about to burst. Snape slammed into Harry until his manhood was touching Harry's prostrate and Harry screamed in pleasure-filled bliss.

"THAT'S RIGHT DONKEY-BOY, TAKE MY HUGE COCK LIKE THE CUM-CRAZY WHORE YOU ARE!" Snape yelled.

"Shut up you dicksucking comeguzzlers!" Dumbledore screamed. "I'm trying to make love to my snookiekins and you're ruining it all when you yell like that, so quiet down!"

"I'M SORRY HEADMASTER," Snape murmured.

"Oh Snapey, take me hardly!" Harry whispered, and spread his legs like the whore Snape had said he was.

Snape growled like a hungry, dickeating tiger, and plunged his gigantic pleasure-pole into Harry's eager boy pussy again and again and again so that Harry cried out in enormous satisfaction. "Ohhhh yes yes yes!!!"

Harry was already beginning to get an orgasm even though Snape hadn't even touched his weiner yet, but Harry had this thing were he could come just from thinking about really hot stuff. And Snape was definitely hot stuff.

"Ahhhhhh Dumby!" Ron yelled from the other side of the room. Harry's cum-sausage jerked on his flat, muscular and tanned belly, and an ocean of white, bitter sweetness washed over his skin when he came. "Ohhhhhhhhh ahhhh!!!"

Severus came too, with a sharp, earnest cry of, "OH YEAH!"

When they were all finished, they collapsed, and the room was silent except for their panting breathing. Harry hugged Snape tightly against his broad chest and beside them Ron said, "Dumbly, I never knew you would be so good in bed."

"Well if you little fucktards hadn't broken the spell, then you never would have known," Dumbledore replied affectionately. "But now we're bonded for life which means you and the four-eyed faggot can never be more than five miles away from me and Snape or you'll die."

Harry smiled because he totally looked forward to having Snape's hard flesh-tower inside him again and again. "I love you so much, Snape," he whispered.

"I LOVE YOU TOO!" Snape whispered and kissed Harry with his Egyptian-cotton soft lips. "I'VE ALWAYS SECRETLY WANTED TO BE YOUR BOYFRIEND!"

Harry cried with happiness because now he had three boyfriends instead of just one, and one of them was even a vampire (Harry had totally noticed Snape's razor fangs when they had kissed) and Harry had always thought vampires were wicked cool.

  
  


~

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: I own none of this.


End file.
